Day 4

Exercise: 30 min

That’s all. I’m in a bad mood. A really down mood to be honest.

Sometimes I feel that I make all these changes and put in so much effort trying to make things the way I visualize them, and then nothing happens. I feel that I’m inherently worthless, unlovable and unattractive, otherwise these things would work for me. My friends seem to have no trouble at all getting these things, in fact, they get it without even doing anything. If they put in half the effort, they would be at the top of their game. I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with  me that repulses people. Right now, I feel incredibly alone and rejected. I also don’t feel I can talk to anyone when I feel like this, because people don’t want to hear it.

I think my friends are amazing people and they add a lot to my life, but most people are fair weather friends. They don’t want to hear about “negative” feelings, or about times when hard work doesn’t pay off. They don’t want to hear about the things you can’t control. They certainly don’t want to see this part of me that feels inherently flawed.

But this is my blog, and I can say these things here. I’m having a bad night, I feel rejected and alone. I know that this won’t be the last time I feel this way. It will pass, but right now, I just have to let it wash over me.

Advertisements

Day 2: Landmark!

Boo Radley Society

I am so happy right now. A couple of weeks ago, I applied to join the Boo Radley society (a group that performs random acts of kindness) on my campus. The process was more formal than I had anticipated, and after being invited for an interview, I dressed up in business casual clothes, did my best and waited for a decision. Well, the e-mail came today, with good news. I am a new member of Boo Radley! Our first meeting is on Tuesday night. I am so excited. This is a landmark for me. I’ve been in professional organizations before, but never really belonged to a group whose purpose is more social than academically/professionally oriented. I wanted this so much and I’m really happy right now.

Progress

  • Academic: 143 min

Read some articles on second language acquisition, did the homework carefully, and learned something new.

Read articles on a Marseillais film-maker, including a critical article about his work and the contradictions within it – realism/utopia and the Brechtian quality of his work that prevents it from becoming mawkishly nostalgic. Good stuff.

  • Health/Fitness: 150 min

My shoulders were SORE after 30 minutes of circuit training, but I felt a lot more clear-headed and ready for the rest of my day.

I spent two hours getting meals ready for the next few days. I have a bean curry, stuffed peppers, all ready to eat over the next few days. All I have to do tomorrow is make caulirice (first attempt!).

  • Social life: 36 min

Spoke to my dad on the phone. Enjoyed it a lot. This may not seem like a lot, but it counts toward rapport building and is a huge step considering the state of our relationship even two years ago. Gosh, I was such an ungrateful brat.

  • Love life: 0 min

Total: 329 min

The red dress


There’s something about a little red dress

I have this vision of myself in 100 days, wearing a gorgeous red cocktail dress. It’s brighter than the one this gorgeous model is wearing, with a jewel detail at the neckline, but it sends the same message: I’m a confident young woman who is in her prime. Right now, it looks bad on me because my thighs are un-toned and my midsection is flabby, but I can’t wait to get into when I really have something to celebrate.

Preferably, I will be holding some pretty cocktail or other, and will be surrounded with my best friends, motivators and mentors.

Preferably, it will be a reward for actually seeing something through.

What have I done?

Day 1

  • 30 min circuit training
  • 120 min working on teaching materials (exams, handouts, study guides)
  • 0 min on my social life
  • 0 min on my love life

Total: 150  min

Which opportunities have I turned down recently?

  • Dinner with casual friend + attending multicultural talent show (last week)
  • Dinner with colleagues (Friday night)

What did I miss out on?

  • Getting to know someone I find interesting and the people I work with better
  • Getting to socialize and meet new people at a fun event

Did I have a good reason for saying “no”?

Not really. The same excuses we make about any other area of life – I’m too tired, it’s too cold outside, I’m in a bad mood, I felt rejected or disappointed by another person so I hate the world.