You may have noticed that, up to now, I haven’t spent a single minute on my love life. It’s not that it’s not important to me to find a relationship with someone great, it’s just that it’s not important to me right now. I’ve realized that there are so many other things that are priorities right now, and that until these things are somewhat in place, it’s kind of pointless to make it a goal to find a guy in the immediate future. This isn’t the same as not doing anything until conditions are perfect (for example, not exercising or going to the gym until I like the way I look in workout clothes) but being realistic and wise about how to invest time and WHEN to invest it.
I’ve been so inactive socially and so unhappy with my appearance that even though I have been making small changes to change these things (exercising, making an effort to meet people and go to social events), I am still not at a point where I can say that I am pleased with my looks and have a great vibrant social life. I feel that when I can be confident about what I offer physically and am already satisfied in how I spend my time, I will be ready to invite someone into my life and be willing to share myself completely with him. Past relationships I’ve had were destined to fail because I wouldn’t allow myself to be completely open and intimate because I was so uncomfortable and unhappy with my appearance. Nobody else can make me like the way I look – I could get a thousand reassurance and compliments, I’m still going to feel the same way when I’m alone, naked in front of a mirror. Only I can change that and right now, I’m still in the process of accepting myself and knowing that I am enough.
I also feel that as I meet new people, I am bound to meet new guys, whether or not something romantic happens immediately. And as I make activities I find enjoyable more social, I will meet people who are interested in similar things and with whom I have a potential connection. So, I am working on love, indirectly, by creating the right conditions to meet someone who is right for me, at the right time.
Anyway, thought I would post this since it’s been on my mind, and it also marks the end of 10% of this journey.
It’s kind of sad that I feel this way about myself. I know that. I know objectively that there isn’t anything terribly wrong with the way I look. But it’s not useful to pretend I don’t feel this way and if I can change that feeling with certain behaviors (eating better, exercising, sleeping), then I think it helps to admit it out loud, even if it’s only to myself, only here.