We don’t know

We usually don’t now, the first time that we meet a person, how important he/she will become to us. Most of us don’t know that that friend of a friend with whom we shared a laugh over a drink, that stranger we spoke to all night on the plane, or the person we sat next to and smiled at during class will become a best friend, lover, or husband.

I’ve been in this situation before, where I meet someone and feel an almost instant connection to them. Beyond the physical attraction which makes it all the more exciting, I enjoy this person. I like the expression on his face, I am amazed at what he says and how much we agree, and I want to ask him right away, “Have a drink with me. Give me half an hour. Let’s talk, and I’ll show you why you should be in love with me.”

It is rare that I meet people that I feel a connection with instantly. I don’t like very many people, I feel uncomfortable or bewildered in most social situations. Half the time, I have no idea what people are saying, why this is so exciting or fascinating to them, and another quarter of the time, I can’t believe how stupid and irritating they can be. Another eight, I simply find boring or uninteresting. That leaves me with a fine sliver of people I am interested in. Call me contrarian, it’s something I’m learning to accept about myself.

I tell you this so that you understand how exciting and special it is when I have a fleeting connection with someone. It becomes a fixation and I very quickly become infatuated with this stranger who comes to symbolize a whole fantasy world of possibility. We’ll meet again, accidentally. He’ll find me fascinating too, and admire the color of my eyes, or my style. We’ll kiss, fall in love, be real partner and go on adventures together.

And how disappointing it is, when, so often nothing comes of it. Usually, I never see the person again. And I’m usually left wondering whether I should have said something or been more expressive of my interest.

The problem is, when you like such a small percentage of people, the chances of finding someone who returns your curiosity and interest are slim. I wonder, often, whether the “signs” I am seeing are nothing more than wishful thinking, and so I hold back, feign interest in my phone or book, and refuse to meet his eyes again.

Perhaps it’s for the best. Perhaps, I’m just sparing myself embarrassment and disappointment. And yet I wonder whether those are things that I so badly need to be spared from. More importantly, I wonder if I’ve missed out on getting engaged or married, or just having an intense, whimsical relationship with someone because I am so restrained. I don’t know. We don’t know.


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