Day 26: Down day

I was a little upset today when I received the exec board decision. I didn’t really expect to get it as a new member, but it was still disappointing not to be chosen, especially after building it up in my mind, working on the application, doing my best in the interview and all that. I feel that in the short space of time I’ve been a member, I’ve put in a lot of effort, so it hurt a little to feel that I wasn’t good enough.

I’m trying to remind myself that the other people who were interviewed obviously work hard as well, many have been in the organization longer, are just as dedicated if not more, and have a record to show their commitment, enthusiasm and talents. I know that. On an intellectual level, I know that it’s not fair to give a new member a position over old members who have a lot to offer, and I know that it’s not reasonable to just give away a position full of responsibility to someone who hasn’t proven herself yet. I know it, but right now my ego is a little bruised and I’m going to go out with some friends for a drink tonight. I will probably comfort myself by watching some relaxing, entertaining and awful TV show, and eating something tasty. I WILL exercise. I need it tonight, if I don’t want to sink into a black mood and feel depressed.

There is an opportunity to get feedback about the interview and I will take it, because I know that it will be useful to me when I’m applying for jobs and other positions in the future. I know it was still a good thing to apply and have this experience, I know that it wasn’t meant to be right now, but I am very bad at handling rejection. I remember how badly I took it when I didn’t get into the colleges I’d applied to after thinking that I’d worked so hard, fit the profile of a competitive candidate and wanting it so badly. Unfortunately, I let myself fall into a long-lasting period of despondency. I was so upset by the rejection that I didn’t make the most of the opportunities available to me, and stopped applying for competitive positions because I was so frightened of being told “no” again and feeling worthless all over again. I won’t let that happen this time. I am still proud to be a part of Boo Radley, still feel I have plenty to contribute, will do my best to be active and engaged, and will apply again next year.

I’m going to feel a bit sorry for myself tonight and enjoy the TV-watching, the food and the alcohol, but after this, I’m not going to let myself waste time being unproductive and agonizing over one thing that didn’t go as planned, at the exact moment I wanted it. Ties into what I said before: results are often not immediate and we have to keep going even when nothing seems to be working out, to set the foundations for good luck to favor us when the time is right.

Update

Social: 240 min
I went out, drank more than I have in months, and socialized. Generally fun, because I was able to let myself go at times, but disappointing in other ways, including making me feel smaller and even more unlikeable and unattractive to people in general.

Work: 60 min
Worked on and submitted application for Dean’s advisory board.

Exercise: 30 min
More circuit training. It’s not any easier this week. This particular circuit is killing me.

Total: 330 min

I’m not going to lie. Today really sucked. I went out, I enjoyed my dinner, but I still feel awful and rejected. I feel like all my work isn’t showing any results and never will. I feel like I will always be rejected, a failure, and unwanted. Going out tonight also made me feel really unattractive, like I’ll never be desirable, someone people want to be around or are drawn to. It just fucking sucked. Doesn’t help that I feel that I wasn’t chosen for exec board because I’m not attractive or charismatic. Just fucking depressing and makes me feel powerless. There’s nothing else to say. Goodnight

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