Day 4

Exercise: 30 min

That’s all. I’m in a bad mood. A really down mood to be honest.

Sometimes I feel that I make all these changes and put in so much effort trying to make things the way I visualize them, and then nothing happens. I feel that I’m inherently worthless, unlovable and unattractive, otherwise these things would work for me. My friends seem to have no trouble at all getting these things, in fact, they get it without even doing anything. If they put in half the effort, they would be at the top of their game. I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with  me that repulses people. Right now, I feel incredibly alone and rejected. I also don’t feel I can talk to anyone when I feel like this, because people don’t want to hear it.

I think my friends are amazing people and they add a lot to my life, but most people are fair weather friends. They don’t want to hear about “negative” feelings, or about times when hard work doesn’t pay off. They don’t want to hear about the things you can’t control. They certainly don’t want to see this part of me that feels inherently flawed.

But this is my blog, and I can say these things here. I’m having a bad night, I feel rejected and alone. I know that this won’t be the last time I feel this way. It will pass, but right now, I just have to let it wash over me.